Self-worth

I've thought about this a lot in the past day or so... I've been under a lot of stress lately from life, not from my job (which is different than "usual").  I also feel like I've been figuring out a lot of things lately, and learning things about myself that are really useful, important things to know.  I feel like these two things are related, stress and learning.  Ah, but, if we remember what Tolstoy said, "We imagine that when we are thrown out of our accustomed grooves that all is lost, but it is only then that what is new and good begins."

I've been stressing about being a good mom.  But what this really boils down to personally, for me, is that I have this very strong need to be loved by my child.  It's huge - way too big.  It's like I'm placing my self-worth in her hands, and it really needs to be in mine.  I need to consciously remember that the goal is to raise a healthy and well-adjusted child into a functioning adult.  Rose is becoming more and more independent and I am falling back into the wings.  A big part of me (too big) is really upset about that!  A small part of me is happy and proud.  I need to make the pride more important than my hurt feelings.  She won't always need me!  In fact, the number of years she needs me is exceedingly small compared with her whole life!  It is so crazy to place my self-worth and self-esteem in my 5-year-old's hands.

My lists

I had an idea that I should make two lists, one of things that are going right or well right now, and one of things that are stressing me or going poorly right now.  That might make me feel a little more under control.

Things that are good:

1. Rose (my daughter) is healthy and happy and doing so well in school
2. Clarke (my husband) is reasonably healthy (he has a cold) and his job is going pretty well
3. I am reasonably healthy and my job doesn't suck
4. We are moving in May to Arizona where we will be very close to my aunts and cousins
5. I have received some very positive emails from people in Arizona about jobs (for me)
6. I have made a really great friend here, and our families are friends too
7. I am 10 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and am exercising regularly

Things that are crummy:

1. We are moving in May and have to get ready
2. We have to leave our friends (again)
3. I am still upset about my friend's loss of her daughter, and people still remind me of them
4. I want to save as much money as possible for the move and I feel like I'm not doing a good job
5. People posting about politics on Facebook is driving me nuts, but I can't seem to stop looking
6. I don't feel altogether healthy but it's a little hard to define this feeling

I don't feel better yet...

Stress

It's happening again, this stress-related pain I get in my neck/shoulder on the right side.  Why?  I'm not really sure.  I've been stressed lately, for sure.  But why sometimes it goes to my neck and sometimes it doesn't I am not sure.  I think this time, though, I am going to get a massage.  Otherwise I could be out of work again for another day or more, and that's never good.  I need to learn better how to deal with the stress.

Sadness

I need to write.  I have a love/hate relationship with writing.  Sometimes I love it and I do it every day!  Sometimes I go months without journaling or really writing for myself at all.  And then I think, "Gosh I really should start writing again."  Well, I'll give it a try.  I feel like I need to get some things out there.

Just after Christmas a friend emailed me and told me that her 2-year-old daughter had passed away on December 20th, suddenly, of a heart problem.  I've been thinking about it so much since I got the email.  Everyone that even seems remotely like my friend reminds me of her, and makes me sad.  I've felt like I can't tell any of my friends - not because they know the people affected, but because I don't want to make them sad.  When I see young children having fun it makes me a little sad.  The news has affected me a lot more than I would have thought, and maybe a lot more than it should.  


Another friend's husband is gravely ill.  They have two young boys, both under 4 years old.  I am sad for them as well.  

All of these happenings along with the general ills and woes of my friends seems to be getting to me and I'm struggling with it right now.