Not so itinerant after all

When I started this particular blog back in 2011 things were very different for my family.  We lived in Los Alamos, and I had a full-time job as a chemist.  Danny was still finishing up his PhD.  Zoe was only 4!

Now in 2014 we live in Phoenix, Danny has a postdoc at Arizona State University, and I'm the one working from home.  Zoe has been in public school since Kindergarten, and her current school is excellent.  It would take a LOT of adversity for me to take her out of public school and do homeschool.

We were only "supposed" to live in AZ for a couple of years.  Danny's postdoc was funded for 2 years for sure.  Now we have lived in AZ for two+ years, and Danny has an NSF fellowship with another 3 years of funding at ASU.  Hopefully we will be able to stay in AZ until Zoe finishes 5th grade.

I find that time is passing more quickly as I get older.  Summer is half over already, and my kiddo will be in 3rd grade soon!  I know the fall is going to pass quickly.  It seems amazing how different life is now, and yet I often don't even think about it, and I feel the same as I did 10 years ago!  I'm 32 this year!  I'm starting to have trouble recalling my exact age!  I know I'm somewhere in my 30s.  What does it matter?

Things are always happening

I've said before that I'm going to do more blogging.  Then I go back to Facebook for whatever reason.  I guess I don't really like blogging, nor do I like Facebook.

I'm an introvert, but it's not that simple.  As I get older I am learning how my nuanced personality affects my worldview and how I interact with the world.  One aspect of that I've been thinking about lately is friendships.  We've lived in Arizona for 2 years now.  And I have a couple friends.  Nothing special.  It takes me a long time to find friends.  I think that things like Facebook hurt my ability to make friends, and even maybe my desire.  I work at home during the day, so I don't have coworkers I see and chat with.  The only people I see during a given week are Danny, Zoe, a couple other moms at school, and that's about it.  During summer, it might be just Danny and Zoe.  I find that sometimes I "flee" to Facebook to feel like I'm getting some human interaction.  And I'm not really getting that interaction.

Now not that this is really bad, but I think it's bad for me, and my personality.  It makes me less likely to actually have a conversation with people.  Call my friends on the phone, say.  So I need to work on that.

Guilt

Yeah, so, I feel guilty.

I wanted to watch White Fang with Zoe.  I used to love that movie when I was little (it came out when I was 9).  A totally appropriate movie for a 7-year-old who loves animals.

Then, at the end, when Jack (Ethan Hawke) goes back to the claim and starts rebuilding and White Fang shows up again and it's a happy reunion... Zoe starts crying!  She's sobbing and saying, "Mom I know its happy!"

I feel guilty about showing my daughter a movie that makes her cry.

When faced with the unknown

Every year in the West we have wildfires.

Sunday evening view from our backyard, before we evacuated.

Right now there's a large fire pretty close to where I grew up - in the Black Forest.  East and south of Monument and Woodmoor, where I grew up.  Check out the live updates here.  There are lots of houses there and many have already burned.

In June 2011 we evacuated from White Rock to Santa Fe because of the Las Conchas fire.  White Rock was under voluntary evacuation, but glowing embers the size of quarters and a few even larger were landing there the evening that we left.  

I realized something personally when we left that Sunday night.  I packed the 4-Runner with most of our camping gear because we were camping out in our friends garden.  Other than that we had our laptops and external hard drives, and picture albums.  And that is pretty much it.  I realized while taking pictures of all of our things around the house and packing a bit that I really don't need things.  Sure, many things I have are sentimental in some way.  But when faced with the uncertainty of evacuation I knew that the most important things are Danny and Zoe.  If they are safe we can handle adversity together.  And they were safe, they were with me the whole time.

If my things had been lost I would have been upset.  But I had my family and that is all I really need.

Morning ashes in Santa Fe.

The hottest day of the summer so far - 113 degrees!

We just spent the hottest day so far at Big Surf!  It was a great day to be out on the water slides.  We stayed for a long time and had so much fun!

Zoe coming out of a slide!

The wave pool.  This one's for you mom!

Zoe's birthday

Zoe will be 7 this year, in less than a month.  Seems like a long time and it seems like no time.

Here's a picture of her on her birthday.

Moving here

I'm kinda done with Facebook.  See, I've been thinking about this for a while now.  The other day I realized I wanted to know something that I'd posted on FB several months ago.  I remember posting, but I don't remember exactly what I said.  Well, I couldn't find it.  SO ANNOYING.  Why shouldn't you be able to search your own old posts, instead of just scrolling through and hoping it shows up?

So, I'm back to blogging.  I'll be posting pictures and stuff here as well.  And I'll probably often link here from FB.  That way people can still see stuff if they want but the record is not saved only on FB.

Self-worth

I've thought about this a lot in the past day or so... I've been under a lot of stress lately from life, not from my job (which is different than "usual").  I also feel like I've been figuring out a lot of things lately, and learning things about myself that are really useful, important things to know.  I feel like these two things are related, stress and learning.  Ah, but, if we remember what Tolstoy said, "We imagine that when we are thrown out of our accustomed grooves that all is lost, but it is only then that what is new and good begins."

I've been stressing about being a good mom.  But what this really boils down to personally, for me, is that I have this very strong need to be loved by my child.  It's huge - way too big.  It's like I'm placing my self-worth in her hands, and it really needs to be in mine.  I need to consciously remember that the goal is to raise a healthy and well-adjusted child into a functioning adult.  Rose is becoming more and more independent and I am falling back into the wings.  A big part of me (too big) is really upset about that!  A small part of me is happy and proud.  I need to make the pride more important than my hurt feelings.  She won't always need me!  In fact, the number of years she needs me is exceedingly small compared with her whole life!  It is so crazy to place my self-worth and self-esteem in my 5-year-old's hands.

My lists

I had an idea that I should make two lists, one of things that are going right or well right now, and one of things that are stressing me or going poorly right now.  That might make me feel a little more under control.

Things that are good:

1. Rose (my daughter) is healthy and happy and doing so well in school
2. Clarke (my husband) is reasonably healthy (he has a cold) and his job is going pretty well
3. I am reasonably healthy and my job doesn't suck
4. We are moving in May to Arizona where we will be very close to my aunts and cousins
5. I have received some very positive emails from people in Arizona about jobs (for me)
6. I have made a really great friend here, and our families are friends too
7. I am 10 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and am exercising regularly

Things that are crummy:

1. We are moving in May and have to get ready
2. We have to leave our friends (again)
3. I am still upset about my friend's loss of her daughter, and people still remind me of them
4. I want to save as much money as possible for the move and I feel like I'm not doing a good job
5. People posting about politics on Facebook is driving me nuts, but I can't seem to stop looking
6. I don't feel altogether healthy but it's a little hard to define this feeling

I don't feel better yet...

Stress

It's happening again, this stress-related pain I get in my neck/shoulder on the right side.  Why?  I'm not really sure.  I've been stressed lately, for sure.  But why sometimes it goes to my neck and sometimes it doesn't I am not sure.  I think this time, though, I am going to get a massage.  Otherwise I could be out of work again for another day or more, and that's never good.  I need to learn better how to deal with the stress.

Sadness

I need to write.  I have a love/hate relationship with writing.  Sometimes I love it and I do it every day!  Sometimes I go months without journaling or really writing for myself at all.  And then I think, "Gosh I really should start writing again."  Well, I'll give it a try.  I feel like I need to get some things out there.

Just after Christmas a friend emailed me and told me that her 2-year-old daughter had passed away on December 20th, suddenly, of a heart problem.  I've been thinking about it so much since I got the email.  Everyone that even seems remotely like my friend reminds me of her, and makes me sad.  I've felt like I can't tell any of my friends - not because they know the people affected, but because I don't want to make them sad.  When I see young children having fun it makes me a little sad.  The news has affected me a lot more than I would have thought, and maybe a lot more than it should.  


Another friend's husband is gravely ill.  They have two young boys, both under 4 years old.  I am sad for them as well.  

All of these happenings along with the general ills and woes of my friends seems to be getting to me and I'm struggling with it right now.